chastity
/ˈtʃastɪti/
noun
the state or practice of refraining from extramarital, or especially from all, sexual intercourse.
I originally wrote this back in 2021 for another project but never released it, so I thought with Locktober 2023 descending upon us, why not share it now?
If you asked your average joe on the high-street about chastity and what it was around a decade ago, you probably would have heard an explanation that called to mind 17th century virginal women locked in heavy metal belts as ‘anti-temptation’ devices. However, if you were to google the word ‘chastity’ today, the first image that appears is a metal chastity device designed for men – a good indication that if you were to ask the same question on the high-street now, you may well get a very different answer. Why is that? What has contributed to the increase in popularity of male chastity? Perhaps it would be best to begin by exploring the context in which male chastity is predominantly used.
Predominantly used within the BDSM scene, chastity cages are usually worn by a submissive or bottom male as a gesture of commitment and devotion to their dominant or top counterpart, but these devices prove to be just as popular with single men as they are with those in relationships. By and large, the point of a chastity cage is to stop the wearer from participating in any kind of sexual activity involving the incarcerated penis. Both masturbation and penetrative sex is off the menu for those locked away in chastity – not exactly the golden standard of fun for the general consensus, but that would be merely scratching the surface; the true meaning of chastity runs much deeper than sexual gratification (or not as the case may be), which is certainly one of the reasons male chastity has become so popular, particularly in the BDSM scene where the preconceived notion of sex does not hold precedent.
So, what is the true meaning of chastity if not primarily for sexual pleasure? To answer this one must have a good understanding of both the submissive and dominant mindset and how their wants, needs and desires come together to shape a D/s relationship. For the purposes of this blog, I will be exploring female led relationships which place women in the dominant or ‘top’ role and men in the submissive or ‘bottom’ role.
I think it is safe to say that D/s relationships, generally speaking, have clearer boundaries than vanilla ones. This is because those that participate in D/s relationships usually practice and adopt traditions of BDSM. For many D/s partnerships, BDSM can be an especially important thread that their bond is built around. The most important feature of BDSM is informed consent – it is crucial that those who engage in BDSM are comfortable and happy in order to safeguard the emotional and physical health of every party involved. To achieve this consent, the players must be honest and open with one another in relation to their experience, what turns them on, their hard limits and everything in between. When the right pairing come together, the magic that ensures can inspire some of the most genuine and moving acts of love, adoration and affection imaginable; Chastity being one of them.
It Is quite common practice in a committed D/s relationship for the female dominant to want her submissive to wear chastity. The placing on and locking in place of a chastity device can be a profound moment for both the dominant and the submissive – a physical act that says “I am yours. I am loyal. I am committed. What is locked is yours and yours alone.” With the penis locked away in chastity, the dominant female then becomes the keyholder. Many dominants like to openly wear their subs keys and do so with pride. Some like to wear the key on a necklace, some on a bracelet or anklet, etc. This too is a physical act that speaks volumes: “My submissive is important to me. What is locked is mine and I value it. I am proud of my submissive and their gift of chastity.” If the cage that encapsulates the submissive male’s penis is not enough, the key to unlocking it hanging around the delicate neck of the woman they adore acts as a wonderful reminder as to who is in charge, and why they are locked in the first place.
Naturally, the time the submissive spends locked in chastity will vary from relationship to relationship and may have all kinds of variables attached to it. For example, a dominant woman in a FLR may decide to keep her submissive partner locked in chastity whilst he is at work, the daily routine of the padlock being clicked into place as the dominant female smiles and asks her partner to help fasten the key around her neck before they both get dressed for work becoming a beautiful ritual that helps maintain the special bond they have together. Or perhaps the dominant woman’s partner is going away on business. Perhaps he does not usually wear chastity, but the woman wants him to be locked before he leaves, with the key in her possession. Most likely, the dominant woman has no worry in the world about her partner being unfaithful, but it is the gesture that moves her. She knows that when he is away from her, he is willingly depriving himself of any pleasure through physical stimulation, reinforcing the idea that sexual pleasure is something shared and only on his keyholders say so. Another scenario could be that the submissive male is being locked in chastity as punishment. Perhaps he has not done what he was told, or he has broken one of their D/s rules. Maybe it is just simply because he missed a spot when he was cleaning. A man that is deprived of an orgasm can be a very pliable and apologetic one which can be easily manipulated into the dominant woman’s favour.
Those are just a few examples of male chastity and how it can be used in a D/s relationship, certainly there are countless more, but I think it is already becoming clear just how significant the adoption of chastity into a FLR can be. Symbolism and romanticism aside, male chastity can also offer many benefits to the wearer such as better orgasms and increased productivity. The positive effects of chastity only unravel and become clearer with further investigation, but it can be hard to put into words for somebody who has not experienced it themselves. Nevertheless, here are some of the effects those in chastity and their keyholders may benefit from:
Increased productivity
I doubt many eyebrows would be raised if it were suggested that men averagely spend more time masturbating than women. This has been proven in various studies that have been conducted over the years. One study found that the masturbation gap between men and women in the UK stands at 76%. Womanizer found that men masturbate at an average of 154 times per year, compared to just 49 times for women. Of course, it is difficult data to collect accurately due to the stigma that still stands around masturbation and sex, so it would be fair to assume that these statistics could be much higher. Additionally, there is no real measure for how much of a persons day is consumed by thoughts of sex, but one could easily speculate that if men masturbate more than women, men must think about sex more often than women, too.
Many men that I have spoken to with extended experience with chastity admit that they spend more time doing tasks and chores that they would otherwise put off when they are in chastity. Many also report better clarity of mind once the initial frustration of being locked wears off. Could this be because these men are spending less time thinking about masturbation as a result of not being able to act on their urges to do so?
Better sex life
The term ‘death grip syndrome’ is purportedly credited to the sex columnist Dan Savage and refers to the desensitisation of the penis by hyperstimulation. This syndrome can often lead to conditions such as anorgasmia (AO) and delayed orgasm (DO). Studies have shown a correlation between DO and men with idiosyncratic masturbation practices. On top of this, the study reveals that increasing the frequency of masturbation can cause the sensitivity of the penis to decline which in turn creates a vicious cycle where the man increases masturbation force to counteract the decline in sensitivity, therefore leading to worsening DO.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, states that only 25% of men routinely achieve orgasm in all sexual encounters. There is no denying that there are a number of other factors that can lead to DO including: mental health, medication, endocrine disorders and age to name a few, but the research is undeniable: hyperstimulation of the penis can lead to desensitisation and DO.
It is also important to explore orgasm inequality – A study by NSSHB in 2009 showed that 85% of men say that their partner had an orgasm during their last sexual event, whereas only 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their last sexual event, and only 25% of women are ‘consistently orgasmic’ during vaginal intercourse. I believe this is because sex has been taught to us in a way that centres penetration above all else. Foreplay is an incredibly important and often neglected part of sex. The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy took a poll of 1,000 women aged 18 to 94 and most of them said that they cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
A healthy relationship for the majority of people relies on both partners feeling sexually fulfilled and satisfied and penetrative sex may well be best way to orgasm for most men, but it is certainly not the best way for most women to orgasm.
If the male submissive in a D/s relationship is kept in chastity without the ability to masturbate and is entirely reliant on the female dominant to dictate when and how he can orgasm, the male submissive must learn to become more attentive and responsive to the sexual needs and desires of his female dominant. For example, a female dominant may choose not to allow her submissive counterpart to orgasm until he has first made her orgasm. Without his ego hailing his penis as the orgasm-giver, he must instead channel his sexual energy into pleasing his partner in other ways – other ways that have been proven to be more likely to allow her to fully focus on her own sexual pleasure and orgasm.
Better relationships
Research shows that sexual function in women is significantly associated with their dyadic satisfaction and their overall marital relation. In other words, women are more likely to need to feel happy in themselves and their relationships in order to achieve satisfactory sex with their partners. By contrast, for men sexual health often reflects physical health. This is also intuitive as the most common sexual disorders are due to issues around desire and erection.
A man in chastity that is not pre-occupied with himself and his chances of getting sex is more likely to become more finely attuned to their female partners mental health and body language. Over time it will become clearer to him that the more attention and devotion he dedicates to his partner, the happier and more likely they are to want to engage with them in day to day life as well as the bedroom.
Taking a step away from a mind that is obsessed with sex and sexual gratification can drastically improve relationships in many ways, as a partnership that is suffering from sexual pressure is likely to have fractures in other key components of the relationship. For this reason, chastity can be a helpful tool in many D/s relationships to maintain a perfect balance that benefits both the submissive male and the dominant woman.
It is clear to see that the implementation of chastity into D/s relationships can be an incredibly profound and positively life-changing thing; with plenty of benefits for both the wearer and the keyholder, and with the popularity that now seems to surround the topic, chastity cages of all types are readily available for purchase online, so why not try it? Alone or with a partner, I can promise you one thing – it won’t be boring!
https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941
https://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282(15)01957-3/fulltext
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic
https://www.womanandhome.com/health-and-wellbeing/health-wellbeing-news/masturbation-gap-374252/
https://www.menshealth.com/uk/sex/a28538001/masturbation-frequency/
Another benefit to male Chastity / semen retention is the increase in testosterone, at least for a short term:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12659241/
This may lead to some benefits linked to physical training, fat loss, muscle gain, and well being….
Fantastic! 👏
A truly brilliant, amazing and insightful read Goddess.
I’ve only ever had the joy of sessioning with you once, but it was an amazing time, and I learnt a lot just being in your presence.
I though still have so much to learn.
I’ll be keeping an eye out for more of these good reads.
Your knowledge and understanding in BDSM is so profound and you have a warm but natural dominant open nature.
There is a difference between orgasm and ejaculation.
Orgasms happen in the brain, ejaculations are a physical reaction.
An ejaculation could lead to an orgasm with proper stimulation.
However, orgasms can be achieved without ejaculation. This isnt easy and requires training.
Unfortunately, ejaculation is used as a cheap source of Oxytocin, thus, achieving a good feeling easily.
Having an loving woman who understands this process and is adamant on regulating it leads to impressive improvements in productivity.
I recently bought the cb6000s and found the largest ring that goes around the balls and is uncomfortable and difficult to fit around.
Do you have any suggestions for people with large balls where the ring dosent fit to easily
Custom cage. I recommend Red Chili Devices https://cage-de-chastete.com/en/
Are You familiar with the Qiui cage? Would You recommend it?
I have tried it and wouldn’t recommend it. The one I tried, at least, didn’t work very well. I worry about the security issues too – Qiui were subject to hacks.
Great idea though, hope it can be expanded upon and perfected in future.
What a brilliant, insightful and interesting read.
I’ve only had the joy of serving/sessioning with you once Goddess, but it was great and I learnt a lot more about the role of a sub in BDSM just in that one session.
I’ve still of course so much to learn, but took a lot from this read too.
You have a warm, open but dominant natural nature about you and your knowledge and understanding of kink is so profound.
I’ll be keeping an eye out for more of these excellent reads to learn more from your good wisdom.
Amazing article. I have recently began exploring FLR and this article was a great read. i don’t normally read articles much but the one’s I have been seeing from you are great!
Addiction to sexual activity, particularly masturbation, is dangerous.
Masturbation is easy and sexual content is easily available, making this activity an easy and cheap source of Oxytocin and dopamine.
Such hormones are addictive and one can easily fall victim to his urges.
Another point to consider is the sheer difference between orgasm and ejaculation.
Ejaculation is a physical reaction to a stimulus, while orgasm is a chemical reaction in the brain.
One can happen without the other, as an ejaculation does not necessarily result in an orgasm. Orgasms can happen separately too, without an ejaculation, although it needs a hood training.
Knowing the difference is important for sexual and physical well-being.
Ejaculations too shoul ideally happen between advised intervals, like 7 days for a 30-year old male.
Having a loving woman to regulate those processes is a gift in one’s life.
Although first few days can be challenging, a man will be thankful for the improvements he would witness.
Don’t Make Male Chastity Kinky
My husband started wearing a chastity cage when he was 56 years of age . I had zero interest in participation at the time.
He would wear it intermittently on his own, to work, during the evening and even to bed. He would send little caged pics on occasion that some were cute and some looked painful.
I would research it on occasion but found everything so bizarre and kinky. I love my husband and don’t want to cause him pain. ( which he was adamant that it was rather comfortable )
We are satisfied and loyal to each other and I have no interest in cockholding my husband as some articles described. He is loyal and I trust him as far as his fidelity. This is his fantasy and I just sort of ignored his behavior. Maybe once in a while I would move his keys and watch him search frantically.
But after a visit to my sister’s for a week, I returned home to find our house in disarray. I was furious. His excuse was that he was busy doing outside things. Needless to say this is when I took control of my keys. I didn’t say anything at first. He looked and looked then finally asked if I had seen them.
I laid down some rules and the cage was staying on for now. His housekeeping skills, procrastinating, mood swings, fowl language, and masturbation would definitely change.
My interest was piqued and I did more thorough researches excluding the bizarre and taking notes of the things that caught my interest. My husband would learn a few things, and he did.
It took a few weeks of doing housework up to my standards and completing all chores, but he does very well and has a much better understanding of what I had done in the past. We still share in the chores but many of his habits have drastically improved. He now mows the lawn as usual but also does the trimming which had suffered in the past. His procrastination has dropped immensely. Masturbation has completely subsided.
Some rules were set. Moodiness and whining adds one day, profanity and aggressive driving add two days , failure to do requests and questioning me adds three days and so on. I just walk by and give a gentle grope to remind him and hold up the number of fingers that equals the days added. When he asks why on a task I just smile hold up three fingers and gently give him a kiss.
So I admit my view point on male chastity has changed for the better.
Over the last two years of enforcing his chastity we both have had an education and a lot of fun.
I’ve learned a significant amount about myself and my husband and his body over this period.
My husband has now turned sixty ( so I wish I had learned these things thirty years ago in our marriage) one of the hardest things for me was overcoming the guilt of putting him in a cage, being able to say “ No” to letting him out, receiving sexual favors, asking for oral or penetrative sex on demand, waking him for satisfaction, requesting chores, adding additional days for infractions, and many others. Don’t worry though, I changed my attitude after the mess he had left and the positive changes with the behavior modification.
Learn to say “No” to removing the cage.
Learn to ask him for oral ( this was very difficult at first but now very much enjoyed)
Learn your hubby’s body. Nipples, Perineum, and Anus get very sensitive while caged. Penis is extremely sensitive when released from chastity.
Believe him when he says his cage doesn’t cause him pain. (He’s fantasized for quite a while wearing it) Embrace it! Play with it.
His scrotum will take a lot of playing, stretching and tapping. Very sensitive to sharp hits so I avoid this , but it will take a lot of stretching and later you will see that a “Humbler” will be very useful to help display his penis to you when he his bent over.
If your partner is fifty or older his prostate needs to be exercised. I love my husband’s ass and prostate play only makes it so much more loving since it’s like his clitoris. It’s healthy for him and significantly reduces chances of prostate cancer. Play to your hearts content and watch his eyes roll back! I give him instructions and time to cleanse , on occasion I stimulate him orally or digitally, with a butt plug , dildo or , my favorite, is to peg him. On occasion peg him with his cage on and he will learn to cum from you riding him. There are so many different ways but in all seriousness it does help him and humble him.
You will learn that different methods of restraints are your friend. Tighter is better. Soft ropes, leather shackles, and handcuffs are great. He won’t have a choice or opinion in what you do or say and there are endless ways to play. Against the door, on the bed, face up or face down, bent over a table, a cushioned bench or after you’ve perfected your technique I even purchased a spanking bench which is my favorite milking and pegging position.
Nipple play is fun, arousing and erotic. Ice cubes make his nipples stand up. Hot drinks on your lips makes him squirm. Little pinches and twists on his nipples make his penis react. Spread eagle and unable to move he’s all yours ladies. This is fun for you, exciting for him with or without him having release and his cage can be removed and replaced easily. Make it fun! Well for you, and sort of for him.
Don’t forget your own entertainment. With his hands tied or cuffed behind his back and kneeling have him do oral on you or your strapon. I sometimes like him kneeling with a spreader bar and handcuffs fastened to it before I have him do his best strapon sucking. Men don’t have the best balance when their hands are fastened behind their back. Have him kneel in front of you and let him do oral on you. Put your legs over his shoulders and he will literally fall into your pussy. You have both your hands and legs to control his position. Practice makes him better, so do it often. Introducing a little spanking now and then can be fun and intriguing as well. Your hand, a leather paddle or a riding crop are my favorite choices. Just enough to make him wiggle.
Things a cage is useful for a.Inhibit masturbation b.Temper and behavior management c.Behavior modification d.Any number of phenomenal housekeeping chores. e. Sexual services, whether improving oral or penetrative skills. f. Much cleaner bathroom facilities since he has to sit. g. Good hygiene h. Greatly improved organization and improvement on his procrastination. i. Great foot rubs and back rubs for you while he is naked in his cage. j. He follows directions well without question. So in conclusion ladies, ask yourself why we wouldn’t use an assortment of male chastity cages in our repertoire for our men? It doesn’t have to be extreme or painful for him. It is what you creatively choose to make it. Annette ( to you). Mistress to him.
What a beautifully nuanced and informed essay. It demonstrates a deep understanding (and love) of the multiple benefits of committed male chastity as an erotic and psychological mode of bonding and adoration. That a woman as beautiful and inspiring as Serena desires and upholds such practices in the men who revere and respect her, and indeed, ideally in ALL men, is a delicious concept. Her beauty makes me feel weak with awe and longing and yet rampant with instant devotion!
Thank you, Goddess, for graciously sharing this.
I have never been in a relationship with a Dom. I am a sub looking for a Dom and thought I had one several years ago. I live in the US and am in the Midwestern states. She lives in California so this long distance didn’t work. I would love to try chastity and see how much I can handle. This is my favorite part of the D/S relationship that I want to explore. Goddess Serena in the UK is even farther away but it wouldn’t matter to me as long as She and I kept in touch and I do whatever She asks of me. I’m in love and completely worship Her..
A very well written piece Goddess. I found being locked very frustrating for the first few weeks then I started to find the most ridiculous things made me feel horny, but of course I couldn’t do anything about it as I was locked. Getting the right size cage is extremely important as the wrong size can be extremely uncomfortable even if you’re not aroused, the first time I tried Chastity I had the wrong size cage, so purchased another one. You Goddess are the only one I have ever been in Chastity for and I remember you setting me tasks like telling a lady I work with how much I love her boots knowing about my boot fetish, the effect on me was heightened due to having been caged for weeks. The lady found it hilarious and still now about 8 or 9 months later asks my opinion on her footwear usually when someone else is in earshot. I digress. Wearing a cage for a longtime if you know your supposed release date once you get past the initial frustration it’s the pure determination to make it to your release date and permission to unlock and that first orgasm after release is mind blowing.